The Fulfillment Paradox: Why Success Can Leave You Empty
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(OPINION) Perhaps you’ve noticed this paradox. People seek a sense of fulfillment — a purpose for which to live, a way to find meaning. Our inclination is to pursue fulfillment by striving for things that gratify our ego: educational attainment, financial success, public adulation. We set out to become winners, to prove ourselves to ourselves and others.
The paradox is that nearly always, none of these things works. The more we achieve, the emptier we feel. So we desperately work harder to grab the bigger brass ring, thinking one will satisfy the void in our souls.
Recently, I read an essay in the Free Press on this fool’s errand. It was written by Arthur C. Brooks, a social scientist considered among the world’s leading authorities on human happiness. He’s a professor at the Harvard Kennedy School and Harvard Business School. [LINK: https://www.thefp.com/p/arthur-brooks-why-your-perfect-life-feels-so-empty ]
Here’s how his essay starts:
“It’s no secret that we are living at a time of profound unhappiness. According to the General Social Survey, the percentage of American adults of all ages who are ‘not too happy’ about their lives more than doubled from 2000 to 2024. Young adults were hit especially hard: The percentage of American adolescents with symptoms of major depression nearly tripled from 2005 to 2019, while anxiety almost doubled.”
But “the really weird part,” Brooks says, is that those suffering most “are not just the down-and-out types — the addicts, the impoverished, the failsons. Those for whom there are obvious things gone wrong in their lives. On the contrary, it is also those who seem to have everything going right for them — in other words, our young and most successful strivers.”
Brooks writes about the despair he encounters among his students at Harvard. I don’t want to do him the injustice of boiling down what he says into the limited space I have here. Go read his essay. You’ll thank me.
Having just marked my 70th birthday, however, I found his observations prompted me to think about The Meaning of Life (hat tip to Monty Python). I realized I’ve led an existence that, although ordinary and obscure, has provided me spiritual and emotional satisfaction.
I’ve also been fortunate enough to know a number of other fulfilled, happy people.
For what it’s worth, I thought I’d suggest some qualities (States of mind? Pursuits? … I’m not sure what to call them) I believe are more satisfying than getting another raise at work, buying a bigger car or winning a professional award.
You want life to have meaning? Build it around these things:
— Love: Each of us needs someone or something to love profoundly, more than we love ourselves. Deep love helps us set aside our petty meanness, jealousy and narcissism.
For biblical writers, naturally, the most satisfying object of human love was God.
But not everybody is capable of loving God. Fortunately, love directed at a lesser object can be effective, too: a spouse, a child, a close friend, a dog, the sea. Everybody needs to love somebody or something.
— Faith: Humans are born for faith, just as we’re born to love. That’s why religion never really goes away, even in supposedly atheistic states such as the old Soviet Union or in skeptical times when scientific materialism becomes the supposed answer to all questions.
Again, not everybody will believe in God, but everybody needs to believe in something transcendent. In lieu of religion it might be world peace, or the environment, or better healthcare, or patriotism, or the transforming power of art.
I’ve rarely met a fulfilled person who didn’t believe there was a cause greater than his own selfish wants.
— Hope: The Greek word used in the Bible for “hope” has a different inflection than what we usually mean today when we say “hope.” The biblical word means “a joyful expectation.”
I might say, “I bought a Power Ball ticket. I sure hope I hit that jackpot!” But I know the odds are overwhelmingly against me.
In contrast, the biblical word means we possess a happy confidence that better things are coming. Without this hope, the daily struggle to conquer our troubles feels pointless; with it, our efforts become investments toward the future.
— Benevolence: We should try to look for the best in every situation and hope for the best for everyone, friend or stranger.
We give people the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst about them. We help those who are weaker or poorer rather than ignore or blame them. We regard life as a blessing we’ve been granted and earth as a beautiful place to call home, despite all the ills we must endure. We live with our hearts and hands open.
— Humor: Nothing lifts the spirit more effectively than a belly laugh or a pithy one-liner. The ability to see the absurdities around us and poke fun at them neutralizes much pain. Laughter drowns despair. Few things are more corrosive than taking ourselves too seriously.
— Mercy: We learn mercy as the years reveal our imperfections. We see our own ridiculous arrogance. We stare daily at the dross of our failures. This can produce in us a compassion toward others who’ve failed. We understand we’re all just muddling through.
As we join this fellowship of the forlorn, something glorious happens. We find a lightness of the soul. We no longer have to be perfect, because we can’t be. We don’t expect others to be perfect. We wake up swimming in a sea of pure grace.
Paul Prather has been a rural Pentecostal pastor in Kentucky for more than 40 years. Also a journalist, he was The Lexington Herald-Leader’s staff religion writer in the 1990s, before leaving to devote his full time to the ministry. He now writes a regular column about faith and religion for the Herald-Leader, where this column first appeared. Prather’s written four books. You can email him at pratpd@yahoo.com.