What Every Christian College Student Should Know About Relationships
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(ANALYSIS) Fall is in the air! There is something energizing about a new academic year: Arriving on a university campus, meeting new people, imagining new possibilities and, of course, scoping out potential dates and mates.
For students at a Christian university, there may be added pressure to find “the one” and get engaged during their college years — I know because I attended such a school as a student and have worked as a professor of marriage and family therapy for several years at a similar university.
The most important message for Christian college students entering the dating scene is this: the foundations of a healthy relationship are not exclusively Christian, nor are they exclusive to college-aged people.
Honesty, respect, trust, curiosity, boundaries, communication and the freedom to grow matter in every relationship. Shared values — Christian or otherwise — matter in every relationship. Even “Christian” does not mean the same thing to everyone. Sharing that identity does not guarantee shared expectations regarding gender roles, sexuality, family planning or finances.
Likewise, age or stage of life should never excuse an inability to communicate honestly, respect boundaries or take responsibility for one’s choices.
Rather than focusing only on the cultural, social, and institutional pressures that can make marriage feel like an expected college outcome, let’s explore what it looks like to navigate relationships in a healthy way as one meaningful part of a broader, emotionally secure developmental experience.
Grow into yourself, not just the relationship
College is a unique time of social, emotional, and intellectual growth. You are discovering what you believe, what you value, how you respond to conflict and who you are apart from your family or childhood community. This developmental stage involves an intentional shift from dependence toward independence.
A romantic relationship can be a meaningful part of that process, but it should not simply replace dependence on your family with dependence on a partner before you have had the opportunity to develop an independent identity.
A healthy relationship should leave room for both people to continue discovering who they are. You should still nurture friendships, explore interests, develop your vocation, strengthen your boundaries and build a life that is meaningful beyond your relationship status.
Being ‘chosen’ more than being in a relationship
Christian institutions often send conflicting messages about wholeness. Churches may offer life groups from infancy through “college age,” but the options beyond that frequently focus on married couples and families. Whether intentional or not, this can signal that marriage is the measure of adulthood, leaving little, if any, place for single adults in the community.
I recently attended a church service where a guest speaker preached on not worrying about whether we are chosen by others because God chooses each of us. He used analogies about being picked first or last for a kickball team and what it felt like to be the last one standing in a lineup of peers. And yet his biography in the bulletin listed his education and then emphasized that “he and his wife have three married daughters and two grandchildren.”
That made me wonder: Would an unmarried speaker be viewed as having the same authority or value? What if that person did not have a spouse, children, married children or grandchildren? The explicit emphasis on each daughter being married (and therefore socially “chosen”) reinforced the very hierarchy the sermon was attempting to challenge. It was as though the speaker’s family structure helped legitimize his authority to speak about being chosen.
Christian institutions send these conflicting messages not only in churches, but also at Christian-affiliated colleges. That is why you need to develop a reasonably strong sense of self. A healthy relationship should not require you to become smaller or quieter, nor should it become a platform for broadcasting that you are, in fact, chosen.
Do not mix the now with the forever
When everyone around you seems to be pairing off, engagement can feel like proof that you are loved, mature, successful, or following the “right” path. But feeling pressured to make someone your forever person can prevent you from appreciating — or accurately seeing — the relationship as it exists right now. You do not have to define the forever before you have taken the time to understand the now.
Faith should not turn every dating decision into a test of spiritual obedience. Attraction does not guarantee compatibility, and wanting to be chosen does not mean you are ready to make a lifelong choice.
Of course not every meaningful relationship will lead to marriage, but that does not make it a failure. Some relationships help you recognize what you value, where you need to grow, and what you want to do differently. Finding a romantic partner can be an important part of your development, but it should not become proof of your worth. A relationship should not replace the development of your own identity, nor should you be rushed into permanence because some Christian cultures treat marriage as the expected outcome.
A relationship is a piece of your life
Relationships matter, but they are only one part of the college experience. When too much importance is placed on finding or preserving a relationship, individual growth can become secondary, creating patterns of dependency rather than a partnership between two developing people.
Stay curious about yourself and the people in your life. What did your family teach you about love, conflict, commitment and emotional expression? When do you shut down, pursue, avoid, control, or accommodate? Which principles of your faith are foundational to who you are, and which expectations have you accepted without examining them for yourself?
A healthy relationship can tolerate slowing down, withstand honest questions, and make room for both people to grow. If asking difficult questions threatens the relationship, the problem is not in the questions.
The goal should not be to leave every relationship with a ring, but to leave knowing more about how to love another person without losing your connection to yourself. Let each relationship teach you something. Let it reveal your strengths, show you where you still need to grow, and expand your ability to communicate, listen, repair, and remain curious.
Explore, be curious, ask questions, but be careful not to become so focused on finding or keeping a partner that you miss the rest of your life while it is happening.
Dr. Stacy Keogh is a licensed marriage and family therapist.