‘Death Is A Part Of Living’: Interview With Pastor, Author And Grief Counselor Fran Tilton Shelton
The Rev. Dr. Fran Tilton Shelton’s ministry as a Presbyterian (PCUSA) pastor has always been focused on pastoral care and grieving — so much so that her late husband Bob humorously called her “Funeral Fran.”
Now a parish associate at the First Presbyterian Church of Dallas, Shelton is also a spiritual director and the co-founder of Faith & Grief Ministries, a nonprofit with a national footprint.
In between parish assignments, Shelton spent six years caring for her husband, the Rev. Dr. Robert McElroy Shelton, a former president of Austin Theological Seminary. Published in 2019, “No Winter Lasts Forever: A Memoir of Loving Bob & Loathing Alzheimer’s” emerged as she reflected on the experience of caring for a loved one. Her 2023 book is titled: “The Spirituality of Grief: Ten Practices for Those Who Remain.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Elizabeth Eisenstadt Evans: You have done pastoral care in several different churches. But how did you get engaged specifically in working with the grieving?
Dr. Fran Tilton Shelton: I have been extremely blessed, with three calls (to ministry) which have all been excellent. The last one (before my current position) was at a large church in Dallas, Texas, where I was called to do pastoral care. Interestingly, they had already set me up to do a grief class the first week I started. I laughingly tell people I am such a terrible speller I didn’t even know that “i” came before “e” in the word grief. I found the people I worked with in the classes were so incredibly genuine.
I really wanted to explore what brought people comfort. I enrolled in the Doctor of Ministry program at Austin (Theological Seminary) and focused my work worship and theological education around grief. Part of the project was working with a small group of people who had experience different kinds of loss. I learned so much from those people. Several of them said, for instance, that they prefer people call them on their loved one’s birthday, rather than on the anniversary of their death, because that’s really special.
They want to be in a community of people who understand grief. I also knew that churches are really good with people initially as they go through the planning of the service, and then taper off. But grief is ongoing. It changes intensity, but it doesn’t go away because grief is all about love. They so appreciated having a safe place to go on a regular basis to process their stories. One man said, let me tell you how my grief faith collided with my faith when my 9-year-old daughter died. Just think, someone had the courage to say that out loud.
Evans: You started the luncheons and the organization that became Faith & Grief around that time, didn’t you?
Shelton: Yes, three women, including two pastors, founded Faith & Grief. We incorporated because we kept getting questions like: Can we do what you are doing? We needed something official, something people could be trained to do. So many grief programs have a speaker, that talks for an hour.
In 2013, we incorporated. We trained table facilitators to keep the conversation going, and allow the people grieving to talk. Now we have programs across the United States. Our mission is to provide opportunities of comfort for people who are grieving through workshops, retreats, monthly support groups, and podcasts. It’s amazing what we continue to learn from the people who are grieving. The ministry is continuing to grow.
Evans: What was your own first experience of grief?
Shelton: When I was in third grade, my wonderful Swedish babysitter, Miss Malm, died. Then the griefs continued, including my bellowed grandparents, and eventually, my husband. I was reared in a home with an alcoholic father, and that presents its own dynamic of grief.
Evans: As you suggest, grief isn’t always about a death, is it?
Shelton: Grief can happen even when we are excited about things, like perhaps a promotion which means you move from a town you are familiar with, with all new people. When my late husband lost his first wife, he was a workaholic, so he would go to the office earlier, and stay later. He even brought the television to the office during the World Series because he wasn’t about to be in that home by himself. I encountered two young men who lost their father.
They came into my office, struggling greatly. “Our mom is going to Neiman Marcus, and buying lots of things, and we don’t know what to do.” I asked them how their mom [dealt with difficult events] before their dad died, and they told me she went shopping. As my grandmother used to say, grief doesn’t make us, grief uncovers us, even things we don’t really like about ourselves. You learn to reconcile yourself to how you cope.
There are all different kinds of grief, from compound (in which many events happen at the same time) to anticipatory, to ambiguous grief, like living with a loved one with Alzheimer’s. In some respects, the person is not with you anymore, but then they are standing right in front of you.
Evans: What do you want people to know about grief? What do people who grieve have in common?
Shelton: As my colleague, the Rev. Dr. Wendy Fenn, says: grief is a leveler. People really don’t care about church polity or sacramental theology when a loved one has died. They stand on level ground with broken hearts. Then we all have what’s called an attachment disorder. The person to whom you have been connected to, attached to, the person who has given you meaning and person has been detached and you’ve got to figure out: How am I going to live the rest of my life.
Evans: Like that gentleman who said his grief and his faith collided when his nine-year-old daughter died?
Shelton: Well, your whole world crashes. It’s not that faith and grief intersect in a polite, comfortable way. You are brought down to your knees, trying to figure out how you can be put back together.
Evans: How did grief change your spirituality?
Shelton: It gave me a spirituality in which I recognized that in this culture, we are prone to deny death, not to talk about it. But in life and in death we belong to God. I am a firm believer that the Spirit is the author of comfort. That doesn’t change. [In grieving] we need to have people around us who can speak knowledge, truth, without fear. We’re not afraid of what we are dealing with.
Death is a part of living. I always see that God’s mercy is there, and continue to be amazed at the love and patience God extends to us. God loves us and hangs in there with us. Grief really enlarges your heart and fills it with compassion for others.
Elizabeth Eisenstadt Evans is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in Religion News Service, National Catholic Reporter, Sojourners, Christian Century, The Washington Post and Philadelphia Inquirer.